Searching for Answers
by lezzles1956
Summary: As she helps Cassie Fraiser discover more about her mother Janet's secret life from just before her death, Sam Carter makes discoveries about her own life. Realization of hidden feelings forces her to re-evaluate her plans for the future. Set in the AU universe of my story 'Secrets'.
1. Discovery

I don't own Stargate SG-1 and it's characters:

They are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.

I'm just borrowing their characters for a while to play; I am not making any money from this;

it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

* * *

Minor Spoilers for New Order I and New Order II

* * *

Chapter One: Discovery

...

Sam Carter closed her front door and leaned back against it with a sigh. She felt bone-tired. Had for a while, actually, but only now acknowledged that fact, with the current crisis over and hopefully a lull before the next one!

This one had been bad, and she shuddered to think of the consequences if it hadn't worked out for them. But 'Thank God' it HAD worked out, and so she could finally relax for a while, knowing that all was right with her world. Well, at least as right as it could be, knowing that her father was off God-knows-where, and the closest female friend she had ever had, and probably WOULD ever have, was gone forever. She felt a slow tear track down her face at that particular memory, the pain almost robbing her of her senses. Then, just as suddenly, felt joy engulf her with the knowledge that at least ALL of her other close friends… her family were safe and home again.

If she had permanently lost the Colonel as well, she didn't think she could have coped! The Colonel, or rather _The General_ she corrected herself, was back to being his usual sarcastic, demanding and childlike self, and she wouldn't have him any other way! The knowledge that O'Neill was back with the SGC was definitely the best analgesic for any pain she felt. A little voice whispered that Pete should be her main source of comfort, but she swiped that thought ruthlessly away. Pete was personal; the SGC was professional and the biggest part of her life. The two things were totally separate!

Now though, she needed some sleep. _Proper_ sleep, not the artificial sleep conjured for her mind by Fifth in a fantasy-world, she thought with another small shudder! God, she definitely needed sleep, her moods were swinging up and down like a yoyo! Which, of course, brought to mind a certain silver-haired Col… General, and she found she was smiling again…

...

She was walking from the house in which she had awoken before, and found herself being greeted by the same gentle dog, and she suddenly realized she was back in Fifth's fantasy. The stables loomed before her, but suddenly beyond them she caught the shimmer of light on water, and she looked up to see not Pete, but Jack O'Neill sporting a cheeky grin and looking more relaxed than she'd ever seen him. What was Fifth up to now? But NO, she'd escaped from Fifth, hadn't she?

"Sam, are you OK?" She looked at his puzzled face, the deep brown eyes shining with concern, and then swung around as she heard bells ringing from the house. She felt his hand on her arm and heard his voice in her ear, "Sam …" But it was fading away, everything was going dark, and…

Suddenly she shot up and found herself in her own bed, in her own house, feeling disorientated by the fading dream.

'_WHOA… Where did that come from?_' Then she realized that the bells were still ringing, or to be more precise the phone by her bed was ringing. Glancing at the clock she discovered she had only been asleep for half an hour.

"Damn, this had better be good," she muttered to herself as she reached for the phone. "Sam Carter."

"Sam! At last! I've been trying to get you for ages!"

"Cassie, what's wrong? I'm sorry I've been away."

"Oh!... And… Did you find anything?" Sam heard the uncertainty and pain in the younger woman's voice and rushed to reassure her.

"We brought the Colonel home, and he's perfectly fine."

"Oh God, I'm SO glad!" The relief was palpable down the phone, but the reaction was subdued, not Cassie's usual exuberant self at all. At one time she would have squealed with glee, but that was before… before she lost her mother… for the _second_ time.

"He's at home, you should ring him… but NOT tonight!... It's too late."

"It's only 9 o'clock!"

"Well it was a fairly exhausting trip… and we're really tired, Honey."

"Oh, sorry. Did I wake you?"

"It's fine, Honey. I'm always glad to hear from you. Now what can I help you with?"

"It's just… When I was going through Mom's things…." Her voice trailed off and the uncertainty was back there again, making Sam feel guilty.

"I'm sorry, Cass. I should have been there to help you with that."

"No! It's OK. I knew you must have been busy with something important or you would have been, and with Jack missing…" her voice trailed away again.

"I know, and yes I WOULD have been there with you if I could… So, what's wrong?"

"It's just…" she paused again, and Sam cried out for her, hearing the deep pain in her voice.

"Cassie", she said gently. "Just tell me. It can't be that bad."

"It's not bad at all, not really, just that I always thought Mom shared everything of her life, except her work, of course."

"And? Cass?"

"Sorry, it's just that I found some things hidden away in the back of a drawer. New things, I've never seen before… a scarf, some underwear and there was this really beautiful gold bracelet. It's engraved inside… All my love, always. P."

"It was probably something she had from her husband."

"Her husband was called Wayne, and anyway, the box it was in was date stamped… last year's date!"

"Of course he was. Well that is strange. Maybe it was from a patient and Janet was embarrassed about it."

"Mom NEVER took gifts from patients. She emphasized that was the wrong thing to do when I was a volunteer at the hospital."

"I would have thought she would have told me if she was seeing anyone, especially as a gift like that sounds pretty long term."

"Well so would I… and told me as well! I mean, we had the usual mother -daughter squabbles, but I was always telling her she needed someone in her life, and she never said a word. Now I find she did have someone… and she never told me!"

"There must be a reason, Cass. Your mother was one of the most open people I ever knew."

"I KNOW! It's really strange. Anyway, I thought maybe there might be something in her PC, here at home, but I can't get into her profile. I mean, if we could find out who he was, we can… er... talk and things. At the very least we can let him know she's died. I mean, he probably doesn't even KNOW!"

"Well, yes, that's true…" Sam said slowly, even while her mind was racing. "Cass, have there been any unexplained phone calls or messages?"

"Well, no; but I've hardly been here. I mean, at first I was staying with you and then I got settled in school. I'm only here this weekend, because I needed to sort out some things and get the house ready for selling. I left the answering machine off, 'cause the messages were all the same… Sorry she's gone etc…" There was that pain again, and despite her tiredness, Sam knew what she had to do.

"Get some coffee on," she said briskly. "I'll be there in 15."

"But Sam. You were _asleep_." Despite her protests, Sam could hear the relief in Cassie's voice.

"It's OK, Honey. Catching up with you will be a much better tonic; and anyway I can sleep just as well over there."

"Well, if you're sure, that'd be great. See you soon."

"Soon, yeah! And in the morning we'll have a look at that PC."

...

The next morning, bright and early, Sam and Cassie sat at Janet's desk, studying her computer. The previous night they hadn't talked for long before they had both succumbed to much needed sleep. Cassie didn't look like she'd been getting much either, recently. Sam could feel her relief at having her there, and certainly this morning she looked better, and hopefully had finally had some sleep.

It didn't take long for Sam to get into Janet's personal profile, but upon opening her sent messages, a surprise awaited her.

"Well. I'll be… One thing you can be sure of Cassie, he DOES know about Janet's death!"

"Why? What is it? Do you know who this Paul is?"

"Look at the addy."

"Paul Davis?"

"Yes, he works out of the Pentagon. He's the SGC liaison officer. But I don't know why Janet would keep this secret. There's nothing stopping them from seeing each other. They're the same rank, and they work in different commands."

"Not like you and Jack, you mean?"

"Cassie! There has never been that kind of relationship between us."

"But, there could be, if it wasn't for the regs. Mom said…"

"Cass, I am in a perfectly happy relationship with someone else."

"Oh yes. How is Pete?" She sounded very disparaging.

"Pete's fine. And you really would like him if you got to know him better."

"Sorry Sam, yes he is really nice. It's just I always thought you and Jack…"

"Well that's a no-go and always has been."

"Pity though?" Cassie was watching her closely, and Sam felt a blush creeping up her face.

"Maybe, but all academic now. My future lies with Pete."

"OK. So this Paul? Do you think I could meet him?"

"Depends on why they were keeping it secret. I never even knew they knew each other."

"But you could ask him, quietly?"

"Why is this so important to you, Cassie?"

"I don't know… I guess I just want to know that she was happy. The last couple of years I've been out with my friends and we hadn't spent that much time together. I've been feeling guilty, that I should have been more understanding… more THERE for her, if you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I do. OK, I'll talk to him and see if he'll see you."

"Thanks, Sam. I love you."

"Me too, Honey. Me too!"

...

* * *

AN: A HUGE thank you to Firestar385 for beta reading, Americanizing and generally correcting this work. Any remaining mistakes are mine!

Reviews please, I would love to know what you think. All constructive criticism is welcomed - I want to improve and the best way is to take on board other people's comments.

I hope you will enjoy the reading journey as much as I am enjoying the writing one.


	2. Connections

I don't own Stargate SG-1 and its characters:

They are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.

I'm just borrowing their characters for a while to play; I am not making any money from this;

it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

* * *

AN: _Sorry for the delay in updating - Christmas and all that Jazz! Anyway should be updating weekly from now on ~ Enjoy_

* * *

Spoilers for Beneath the Surface / New Order II / Lockdown / Zero Hour

* * *

Chapter Two - Connections

…

As it happened it was a number of weeks before Sam was able to speak to Major Davis, as a series of events took her whole attention.

She'd spent that weekend with Cassie, catching up, and the Colonel had come on Sunday to see Cassie as well. Sam had felt a sense of joy as soon as he had heard his voice echoing in from the front door as Cassie answered it.

Sam knew her future lay with Pete. They shared mutual interests, they could laugh together, her brother was his friend so they could spend comfortable time with her family, and she loved him, she really did. But… hidden deep in her heart were her feelings for the man just entering the room with his arm slung around Cassie's shoulder. All the joy and fun and _pain_ they had shared meant that those feelings would always be there.

Despite denying to Cassie that a romantic relationship had never existed she knew she had longed for one at times, and she had a feeling that the Colonel had as well. One of the hardest moments of her life was on the ice planet when she recovered her memories of the regulations and had to admit to herself that what she wanted with O'Neill could never be. So those feelings would always need to stay hidden, never see the light of day, but would they eventually go completely away?

…

On their return to the SGC there was the ceremony where Doctor Weir formally handed command to General O'Neill and then an unexpected addition to the ceremony when she was unexpectedly promoted to Lieutenant Colonel. When she had received her Major's oak leaves from General Hammond she had felt so honored, but the feeling of having them exchanged for silver leaves by Jack O'Neill was indescribable. This man meant so much to her, and she knew that however far she progressed in the Air Force no other promotion would ever matter to her as much as this one.

Quickly following the handover, the SGC was struck by a series of near disasters, and General O'Neill and his staff hardly had time to take a breath, before something else came along. First, there was the infection of the Russian cosmonaut by Anubis, causing mayhem, quarantine and lockdown, before Sam devised a way to trick Anubis onto an ice planet; and this incident, of course, also caused a diplomatic nightmare with the Russians.

Following on the heels of that was the disappearance of SG-1, claims from Ba'al to have captured them, an invasive quick growing plant engulfing all parts of the SGC, a couple of troublesome ambassadors from warring worlds, and double dealing from another Goa'uld, Camulus. Somehow O'Neill managed to sort out all these messes, as well as breaking protocol and ordering the iris to be opened for SG-1 coming in hot, going on his instinct and knowledge of them rather than the claims of Ba'al to have compromised them.

So Jack had proved his worth and the President officially endorsed him as the SGC commander, and visited to ratify his endorsement. Those present included Major, now Lieutenant Colonel, Davis, so Sam decided to take the opportunity to try to speak with him. Seeing him leaving the Gate Room she quickly followed and caught him in the corridor outside.

"Colonel Davis! May I speak to you for a moment?"

"Is it urgent, Colonel? I only have a few moments."

"It's about Janet… Major Fraiser." His whole body went very still and she was amazed at the emotion suddenly flooding his face for a moment. In that second Sam saw that whatever Janet had felt for him, she herself had obviously meant a very great deal to the Colonel. As quickly as the emotion had been there, however, his usual calm mask was back on his face. It was lightning fast and if Sam had not been looking directly at his face as she had said Janet's name, she would have missed it.

"I don't… What can I do for you about Major Fraiser? She's…" He swallowed hard, betraying himself again for a moment. "That is, I'm sure there is nothing that I know about her that you don't. I thought you were very close friends."

"We were, but she never told me about your relationship."

"Relationship? I assure you, Colonel, I have no idea what you are talki…"

Sam interrupted him. "Colonel, we found her bracelet, and the emails." He stared at her and then shook his head slightly, looking down to the floor.

"What do you want, Sam?" he softly said at last. "Why does this matter now?"

"Because it matters to Cassie," she answered just as softly. "And going by your reaction, it would help you too, to talk about her to others who loved her." He looked up at that and Sam saw a sheen of tears in his eyes, and then suddenly a young lieutenant interrupted them, apologizing, but also saying that they needed to leave. He turned slightly and acknowledged him and Sam once more saw a rapid transformation as suddenly the unemotional Colonel Davis was firmly back in charge of himself.

"I'm just coming," he said. "One moment, and I'll be there." The lieutenant nodded and saluted and as he turned to leave, Paul Davis turned quickly back to Sam.

"I'm going to be back at the SGC by the weekend, we can talk then if that would do? But not here, not on base"

She nodded. "We'll meet you at Janet's house on Saturday, about ten?"

"Yes, that's fine. I'll see you then."

"I'll email the address."

"It's OK. I know where it is. I've been there before." And he turned and walked rapidly up the corridor.

"Of course you have!" said Sam softly to herself. To be honest she was quite amazed at what had been revealed in that short conversation. She had known Paul Davis for years and never suspected that under that calm, slightly cold exterior, such strong emotions existed. He was apparently adept at keeping a mask in place and she wondered how Janet had managed to break through. In fact, the mask was so complete that he obviously fooled the majority of people around him. She knew of no-one else with such rigid control, except, perhaps, for O'Neill.

…

The following Saturday, Sam and Cassie waited for Paul to arrive. Cassie had sounded pleased and yet also a little apprehensive when Sam had called her and told her about it. They had stayed together at the house the night before and Cassie had admitted that although she really wanted to meet Paul and know more about his relationship with his mother, she was concerned about why Janet had not wanted to bring them together.

"Why was it hidden, Sam? D'you think she thought I wouldn't understand her wanting to have a life apart from me? Was she ashamed of me?"

"Don't be silly, Cassie, of course not. I'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why they kept it secret. And I think Paul knows because at first he tried to deny it, even now. You'll see, he'll explain it to us."

They both jumped as the doorbell rang and they went together to answer it. Cassie stared dumbly at the man standing on the doorstep; a man who had, apparently, meant so much to her mother. She wanted to resent this man, and her mother, for keeping her in the dark. For letting her believe that by going away to college, she was abandoning her mother and leaving her all alone. But somehow, now, looking at him; at the trepidation and yet hope on his face, at the LOVE that was shining from his eyes as he looked at the girl he had never spoken to before, she couldn't resent him. She just wanted to get to know him and to understand who he was to her mother, and who he could potentially be to her.

And then he spoke, one word before his voice broke on a sob; "Cassie." And suddenly she was engulfed in his arms, and she felt him shaking and knew that here was a man who had truly loved her mother.

Sam watched all this happen, and then quietly, without a word, went to the sitting room to wait for them. They needed this moment alone.

…

When they came into the room a few moments later, Sam saw that a little of the loss Cassie had been radiating since her mother's death had been put away. Obviously as far as Cassie was concerned, bringing this meeting about had been a very good thing.

Paul settled down to talk to them and explained why they had been a secret because of the threat to the SGC. He told them of the Washington rumblings to put a new administration in place with an agenda that could be a threat to the alliances the Command had formed. Paul saw Hammond and his policies as the best thing for the SGC and for Earth, but he knew that there were those desperate to get rid of the General and all those loyal to him.

"I thought that if they knew of my close connection to Janet, they would work to get me re-assigned and put one of their own in place as the liaison. I had already been warned that perhaps I worked too well with Dr. Jackson to be completely impartial when it came to the SGC."

Paul went on to tell them that ironically with the recent events, and O'Neill now being installed at Stargate Command, it was very unlikely that agenda would come to be. Robert Wolsey had told him, in confidence, that Vice President Kinsey had already tipped his hand to the new President; and that President Hayes was determined to keep the Command under the administration it had always been under. Hayes now had Hammond as a close advisor when it came to all extra-terrestrial affairs, and Paul had been partly transferred to the SGC to encourage the diplomatic relations with other planets even more.

"I only have to be in Washington a few days a month from now on. My main office is going to be at the SGC." He gave a bitter laugh. "Janet and I could have finally been properly together."

"You really felt that serious about her?" asked Cassie.

"I loved her, Cassie. With all my heart. I wanted to marry her and make a life with her. I've never felt that deeply about any woman before. I wanted a wife and a family but I just never met the one, I guess, and I could never just settle. I've always been an all or nothing type of person. I was beginning to think I would only ever be married to the job, and then I rescued Jan from a flat tire and my whole life changed. But now I WILL just have the job because there could never be another Janet. No-one else could ever come close."

The deep emotion and sincerity in his voice had a tremendous effect on both of the listening woman. Sam wished with all her heart she had come to properly know Paul when Janet was still alive, and as for Cassie, she had tears pouring down her face and moved across to where he was sitting to hug him again.

"I'm sorry, Cassie, I didn't mean to upset you." Paul spoke in a voice choked by the unshed tears in his own eyes. "I wanted to be part of your life, as well. I can't describe what it was like to stand at the back at the memorial and not have any right to openly mourn her with the rest of you. I desperately wanted to be able to comfort you and yet because of our decision to keep it secret I couldn't."

"Well we've found you now, and we're not going to let you go. If you had married Mom, you would have been my stepfather, so that makes you family and now you're stuck with us. Isn't that right, Sam?"

"Yes it is. Especially, as you are now going to be here so much. Welcome to our family, Paul."

…

They talked long into the night. Every word Paul said about Janet, every story he told them, made it even more clear how very much he had loved her. For such a short relationship in terms of actual time, they had made a wealth of memories. It was obvious they had made the most of every moment spent together. And within every word was hidden pain. Every joyful moment told about was overlaid with the pain that there could be no more of them.

It made Sam stop and consider. If she did want a future with Pete, should she remain at the SGC? Was it fair to him to put herself so at risk? Janet had hardly ever been off-world, and yet she had died to enemy fire. Sam was off-world nearly every week, and often in perilous situations. She trusted Teal'c and Daniel, but had to admit there were times when the team really needed their fourth and sorely missed O'Neill's presence. They had been doing this a long time now and surely one day their luck would run out.

…

* * *

AN: A HUGE thank you to Firestar385 for beta reading, Americanizing and generally correcting this work. Any remaining mistakes are mine!

Reviews please, I would love to know what you think. All constructive criticism is welcomed - I want to improve and the best way is to take on board other people's comments.

I hope you will enjoy the reading journey as much as I am enjoying the writing one.


	3. Decisions

I don't own Stargate SG-1 and its characters:

They are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.

I'm just borrowing their characters for a while to play; I am not making any money from this;

it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

* * *

Spoilers for Heroes II / Affinity

* * *

Chapter Three - Decisions

…

Sam's pondering about her future had an extra element added, as Pete asked her to marry him and gave her a ring. She knew Pete was committed to her, and despite the fact that she hadn't even given him an answer, he was willing to help her friends for her. Pete's observations and investigation into the murder of Krista's boyfriend had been very important in establishing a different scenario to the obvious one that Teal'c had murdered him.

As she had said to O'Neill in their discussion, she still wondered if it was fair to him, for her to put her life in danger exploring other planets. Add to that the issue of having children one day; and she knew that if she did marry Pete having children would come up sooner rather than later. She wanted the whole family deal and time was passing, so every year she put it off made viable pregnancies more unlikely and difficult. But what then, when they did have children? Would she drop off her kids at day care before heading off-world? Pete was a wonderful guy, willing to relocate to the Springs for her, but she couldn't really imagine him giving up his whole career to be a house husband and father, and he worked unpredictable hours as well.

By far the biggest impact on her from that discussion, however, was her feeling that any possibility, slim as it was, of a future with Jack O'Neill was well and truly gone. When they had closed the door on their feelings she had moved on, hard as it was, and connected with Pete; and it was obvious to her that he had done the same. Very deep down within herself she thought there had been a hope that when she told him of the proposal he would declare his love for her and tell her not to marry Pete.

But of course he hadn't. Instead, he had encouraged her to consider the marriage, and illustrated that people at the mountain did have lives and families. Hell, Janet had died saving Simon Wells, which had enabled him to return to his pregnant wife and be there for the birth of his daughter. Baby Janet wouldn't exist if her father had decided he couldn't serve at the SGC and have a family.

But… If…. Besides… Sam's thoughts swirled round and round her head. Yes it was true that other personnel at the SGC were married with families, but most of those were men. There were females who were married, but any who became pregnant had transferred out by their own choice. The only female member of the USAF serving at the mountain who had children had been Janet, and look how well that had worked out for Cassie!

SO… she needed to decide. If she married Pete, she would leave the SGC, and because she couldn't imagine doing any other job in the Air Force NOT connected to the SGC, it would probably be better to have a complete change and resign from the Air Force altogether. Without any connection to her old life she could really build a new one with Pete. As his transfer to Colorado Springs hadn't completely gone through, they could stay and live in Denver. The University had a very prestigious Physics and Astronomy Department; perhaps she could teach. She'd always enjoyed teaching at the Academy. Those she was really close to like Jacob, Daniel, Teal'c, Cassie and now Paul could easily visit as it wasn't that far away, and more importantly, it would remove her completely from the sphere of Jack O'Neill's life and allow her to completely commit to her marriage.

A few hours later, after she and Pete had been on the team rescuing Daniel and Krista, the _if_ had become a _when_, as she had told Pete, yes, she would marry him. She had gone on to tell him her decision to leave the Air Force, and although he had half-heartedly asked her if she was sure she wanted to give up her career, she could tell he was happy that in the future she would no longer be in a dangerous occupation.

…

The plan was to quietly hand her resignation to O'Neill and then to talk to Daniel and Teal'c separately, but in the end she told them altogether, as she was called into a briefing on the future of SG-1 and that a decision had been made to add a fourth member again. They had all seemed shocked for a moment and then the General congratulated her on her engagement but asked her to reconsider leaving at least the Air Force, if not the program. She assured them all she had thought long and hard and her mind was made up.

For his part O'Neill seemed to recover quickly from the shock and promised her he would ensure the paperwork was processed as soon as possible.

"If you are really sure this is what you want, Carter, then I won't stand in your way. I know you always consider everything before you make a decision."

She quickly looked up at him on that declaration, remembering their discussion in the lab and wondering if he was regretting what he had said, but his face was simply showing a bland smile and all his masks were firmly in place.

"I am sure, Sir, thank you."

"Very well, then I suggest you take the weekend and then start closing down your lab and the on-going projects next week. I'll remove SG-1 from rotation for now. Daniel, Teal'c, we'll have a meeting on Monday when I've had time to think on this." They both nodded. "Very well, dismissed, have a good weekend." He exited the briefing room into his office, leaving the other two men congratulating their friend.

…

When Sam had made her announcement, Daniel had happened to be looking directly at Jack and there had been a brief flash of pain in the man's eyes which had disquieted him. Remembering how Jack could lock himself away when he was hurting, Daniel therefore decided it would be a good idea to call in on him that night.

Arriving at the house, he found it all in darkness, but Jack's truck was there, so Daniel decided to check the roof. Sure enough, he could just make out a dim figure leaning back in the armchair by the telescope.

"Jack?"

"Go away, Daniel!" His voice was slurred, confirming Daniel's fears, and as he got closer he could make out empty beer bottles littering the area around the chair. Jack himself was slumped back in the chair with a bottle clutched in his hands. But this one had the distinctive shape of Jack Daniels.

"Thought you could use some company."

"Well, you thought wrong! GO AWAY!"

"I really think you need some company," Daniel answered quietly, and Jack gave a deep sigh.

"Never give up, do you?" Daniel shrugged and gave a deprecating smile.

"It's just the way I am."

"Yeah, right!" Jack sighed again. "Well, you don't need to worry… I'm not going back to my deep, dark place. I just need a night of total oblivion! Not that it's working! I think I'm drunk-out!"

"Why do you want total oblivion?"

"WHY!" Jack exploded. "Why! For God's sake Daniel, you know why!"

"Because Sam is getting married? Or because she's thinking of leaving?"

"Neither of the above actually, the married-thing hurts, but I could cope with that; and even the leaving, which might turn out to be easier for me than seeing her and knowing she's married to someone else. I KNOW this is right for her, she needs someone to love her and I never fathomed what she saw in an old war-horse like me anyway! But that… today, it really, really hurt… hence the oblivion!"

"What hurts?" Jack stared at him in amazement.

"I just TOLD you… in great detail, which for me is a first and TOTALLY out of character I might add," he squinted down at the JD bottle. "Must be the happy juice talking!"

"No Jack, you worked around it, but you never actually spelled exactly what IT is!" Jack stared again.

"Bit dense tonight there, Spacemonkey. OK, in words of one syllable… It's not the married-thing, nor the leaving-thing per-se, it's the REASON for the leaving."

"The reason? You said it wasn't the marriage." Jack exploded again

"NOT the marriage, the REASON! That she'll throw it all in – career, duty, everything… just in case she's being unfair to him! Even though he's prepared to move jobs to the Springs; move, mind you, WITHIN his career, she'd completely LEAVE her career on the off-chance she's being unfair! He's not asked her to, and her staying in the Air Force doesn't stop them marrying, but she's STILL leaving! CHRIST, when your time's up, it's up. She could cross the road tomorrow and get run down by a bus!" And then he added so quietly that Daniel had to strain to hear. "But she wouldn't even consider moving to another team within the SGC to give us a chance to be together."

"Then again, neither did you." Jack looked up at him and slowly nodded.

"No, I didn't. I needed to have her there with me, so I could watch her six. Bottom-line… the SGC and what we did mattered more than our feelings. But now Pete matters more, and I suppose THAT's what really hurts."

"You could try telling her what you told me."

"No, Daniel, that would hurt HER, and I don't want to do that. I want her to be happy, so I just need a night or two to wallow and then I can try and smile for her."

"But, Ja…."

"It doesn't matter now anyway, she'd still have to leave to be with me because whatever team she was on will be under my command. So… No more talking! I'm all talked out and now I need to get drunk. Stay and join me or go away, but no more talking! OK?" Daniel hesitated and started to speak, and then seeing Jack's lips pressed firmly together knew he would get no more conversation that night. So he merely held out his hand to Jack, silently asking for a drink. Jack grabbed a bottle of beer from the crate beside him and after handing it over to Daniel, also got for himself. As Daniel took a sip of beer, however, he wasn't really surprised to see Jack put down the beer and retrieve the Jack Daniels. He held out the bottle of beer towards Jack.

"Here's to Sam."

"Yeah, to Sam!" They chinked the different bottles and then sat silently drinking and gazing at the stars. Daniel hoped he'd helped his friend by coming, and Jack, despite his protestation about needing to be alone, found solace in Daniel's silent company.

…

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AN: A HUGE thank you to Firestar385 for beta reading, Americanizing and generally correcting this work. Any remaining mistakes are mine!

Reviews please, I would love to know what you think. All constructive criticism is welcomed - I want to improve and the best way is to take on board other people's comments.

I hope you will enjoy the reading journey as much as I am enjoying the writing one.


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